someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
