In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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