I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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