just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
