oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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