you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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