Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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