I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
