You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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