I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
