God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
