better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
