Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
