Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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