when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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