I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
