One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
