Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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