I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
