Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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