you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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