she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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