I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
