Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
