just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
