we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
