so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.