im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
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YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
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You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.