i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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