i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
