The maid of honor just puked.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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