I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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