Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
