I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
