ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
