This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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