fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
