Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
