The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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