He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
