i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
