i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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