We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
