Moan for me like Helen Keller
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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