Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
