i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
