Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
