Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
