He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
sex in a hospital.. check
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
