i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
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I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.