the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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