I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...