I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
