I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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