I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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