Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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