im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I deserve this hangover.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
