She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor