I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
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I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.