I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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